Well, here comes a post I can’t avoid much longer, and as I type, I’m never quite sure what words God desires that end up on your screen. However, my prayer is that this testimony of God’s faithfulness will stir your heart and remind you of specific ways you can care for those who are hurting.

But first, the back story…

If you have read my story posted on this blog, you will see in a general way that I went through a tragic and tumultuous time in my early twenties that by God’s grace, turned me onto a new path of deep understanding of His love, His Gospel, and His emphasis on true community. I was lacking in all those areas. I intended when setting out to write this series to share details from those years previous, however as God intended, I would also enter a new dark time, with new stories to tell and glorious reminders of truth in action.

I’ll cut straight to it and say that though the journey to motherhood was hard – the waiting, the miscarriage, the pregnancy and birth – all of it – the postpartum time has been even more wonderful and terrifying. Nothing compares to holding and caring for a little one with everything you have, and desiring to do even more, as your heart is captured by an unexplainable love for someone you’re only getting to know. I have been stretched to my limit, and even for a time, collapsed into the arms of Jesus, with no choice but to allow others to care for me. I don’t want to dwell on all the details of the hardship – at some point I may be ready to share more of that. But I want to call attention to those who surrounded us in our crisis and loved us with a beautiful and healing love.

I can’t begin to thank everyone who loved us during this time, and those who are still reaching out in concern. Tangible acts of service, meals, prayer, gifts, care packages, gift cards, visits, and more fervent prayer, as led by God, even before we collapsed. Wisdom given, words of challenge and compassion, as well. I can’t begin to write enough notes of thanks while still keeping up with little P and his needs right now, as well as caring for myself and my little family.

But what has struck me most is that in my desperation and inability to care for myself or my family – and as frightening as that was – God was there already, providing help and hope in the most beautiful, unexpected, and undeserved ways. We received help we didn’t know we needed, with no fanfare or thanks expected, and learned to humbly accept it.

My encouragement as I end this short post is that you do as our friends and family have done for us – pray, pray, and pray some more – and only then do you act. God alone knows the hearts of those whom you might wish to serve, and deep sensitivity is required to walk alongside them, to offer hope, to know when to provide solutions, but more often, to serve and be with them in the pain. The gift of community in these times is the most beautiful of all. Not pat answers, not careless words, not ‘I’m praying’ but never praying. Many have been available for us at the last minute, and honest when then cannot be – always pointing us to others who can help, and others who can pray.

Our extended family has stepped up as well – providing help and hope, tangible gifts, weeping with us, seeking to understand even when there was no understanding. From the deepest part of our hearts, I say thank you, knowing that only God can repay you for all you have done for us. And though the struggle continues, we know we are loved and surrounded.

Over the past few months I continue to be drawn to Isaiah 30:15 – repentance and rest. The focus was repentance for quite a while, and still is when I am ‘stuck’ in my faith journey… but now it is more so the command of rest. God longs to be our primary source of strength. More on this in the next post, but I’m learning, one step at a time, that in this place alone, will I find peace.

Be blessed, friends. And go forth in the knowledge that you are loved deeply and called to love deeply as well. Let us love one another because He first loved us! 1 John 4:19

More in this series:

Intro :: A way through the darkness – into the light

part two :: What the darkness taught (and is teaching) me

part three :: Loving well breaks the darkness (and a thank you!)

In the midst of our storms, it is very rare (at least for me) to thank God for the hardship from a genuine place, but rather the struggle is to trust Him in it. You too? The days and weeks, months and years that pass after a hard season often bring clarity, and for that alone, I am incredibly grateful. (Though we can’t demand or expect to ever fully understand what God is up to…) Seeing beautiful, redemptive fruit grow out of cracked, dry and impossibly broken circumstances produces joy like few things can. I hope this post will encourage you to cling to the God of Hope, the God of all Comfort, the God who can restore and redeem all things. But at the same time encourage you – and remind myself – that we can also trust in the God who doesn’t promise answers, the God who leads us down dark paths for our good & His glory, the God who breaks in order to build. Being a child of God has brought some of the darkest and most beautiful things to pass in my life – and often they are joined together in some way!

Being a Christian means instead of saying ‘shame on you’ or ‘shame on me’, we can say – ‘me too’ and ‘you too’?? It means we can sit together, cry together, and live together, rather than fight, point fingers, grow bitter and sling stones. But we can’t do this. Christ makes this possible through us – when we walk with him, live in Him, and oftentimes, despite our best efforts or regardless of our many failures – He is the God who is WITH us, and desires that we be WITH one another. This is perhaps the biggest thing the darkness has taught me, especially as it was the most glaring deficiency in my life when The Storm hit, exposing my lack of and value for community. I was an island, and vulnerable to my own weaknesses and arrows from the enemy of our souls.

One of the most trying circumstances I’ve faced is the journey I’ve traveled to motherhood. I can hardly believe I am writing from the other side of that pain, and feel a little guilty knowing that others continue in that battle. Though our little guy is still so small, it is true that my heart has expanded and exploded with love, even as he has grown. Many of the things that God taught me along that journey, when followed through in obedience, also ushered in this great gift, preparing me for what He intended all along.

I’m always hesitant to give a ‘how-to’ but I do want to share some quick thoughts on a few things that helped me persevere in my dark seasons…

What does walking well look like, in hard times?

• humbly :: Often, but not always, God uses hard times to sift and sort our souls. The question is, how will we respond? This makes a huge difference in the intensity of the struggle – not that humility will always remove the struggle, certainly not – however resisting the work of God in our lives can often lengthen and intensify the pain we are experiencing. His discipline is for our good and His glory, but resisting the Potter’s work to mold, chip away, redirect, break, and rebuild only delays the good He intends through it all.

• happily :: In the Christian world, especially, I have noticed a common misunderstanding of God’s heart for us to really enjoy life, and pursue good and beautiful ways of doing this. Why would God create such variety of fruits and vegetables, incredible landscapes and animals, unique and interesting people, and a plethora of dreams, passions and interests among us? I don’t believe that was an accident. I am no expert at celebrating and enjoying life, especially in hard times – but it is truly a gift when we can delight in the blessings He sends our way. There is an artful balance in enjoying, but not idolizing, and we will get this wrong, perhaps more often than not! Thankfully, we can trust the heart of our Father God to not only send blessings at the perfect time, but teach us how to hold them with an open hand. Because when He removes a blessing, He is moving our hearts to find happiness in HIM.

• helping :: Firstly, I will clarify that I am not saying we need to TRY HARDER in hard times. God is not punishing us with hardships, and doing the ‘right thing’ or being a ‘good person’ is not going to suddenly make the clouds part and blessings drop from heaven. Yes, wisdom does often bring blessing and prosperity. But not always. There are no guarantees, except that God’s love will remain, and He will return. And it is so easy in hard times to become self-absorbed and think only of our pain and hardship. My mom has always been great at reminding and modeling the importance of looking to serve others in the midst of hard times, and this always gets my eyes off myself, while providing much needed perspective as the struggle continues.

• with honor :: I find great comfort in reminding myself that God allows hard times, but He does not send shame along with them – that is always from the enemy. God will point his finger on particular areas where He wants us to grow and develop, but oppressive and vague feelings of worthlessness and shame that cannot be tied to concrete issues are never from Him. Confess the sins, yes, but remind yourself that as a child of God, you are chosen, precious, and a valuable member of His kingdom plans! As I have grown in my knowledge of God’s heart being FOR ME and not AGAINST ME, I am able to rest in His arms, even as the storms swirl around me.

• healthy :: I must mention health and wellness (because, of course!) This is another big one for me, that I SO undervalued, unknowingly, until revealed by crazy life circumstances! It takes an intentional effort for most of us, on most days, to make healthy choices, whether that be in the area of nutrition, soul-care, relationships, exercise, finances, or a million other categories. My encouragement here is to keep making those healthy choices that we all know are important, even if it’s just small baby steps. Especially if it’s small steps! Choosing one healthy goal at a time works well for many, and remember to give yourself grace for the missteps as well. I am certainly not advocating a strict diet or rigorous exercise (or financial, or…fill in the blank) plan when life is swirling and sapping your energy and joy – but perhaps a refocus and renewed desire to make the next right choice. These small, intentional steps build on each other, and soon enough, you may just wake up to find that you are living a healthier life and loving it! I will also add that poor nutrition, lack of sleep, bitterness, unresolved issues, and no movement will lead to depression and compound any hardships you are already facing. Do yourself and those you love a favor and take care of yourself! Making simple but intentional wellness goals also gives me something concrete to focus on, when life seems out of control.

• hopeful & heavenward :: It is truly a fight in hard times, to hold on to hope. I have seen God shift my gaze from earthly things, to the eternal, in remarkable ways, and only by His grace. I can see now that had I not faced hard times, my gaze could have remained entirely on shifting circumstances, rather than developing a firm foundation in true and lasting things. This is ultimately what God is after – a heart that hopes in Him, and looks towards the great things He is preparing for us not only through the hardships, but in the life to come. The best is yet to come, children of God; let us never forget it!

May the God of peace, joy, and abundant life pour into your soul as you grow in the knowledge of Him and His work in and around you. He is truly worthy to be praised, and will patiently, but persistently pursue you until You are confident of His extravagant love.

I pray that something in these words might have encouraged you to keep pressing on, in the race of life? What would you add to these thoughts, from your experience and wisdom? Please share! 

More in this series:

Intro :: A way through the darkness – into the light

part two :: What the darkness taught (and is teaching) me

part three :: Loving well breaks the darkness (and a thank you!)

Dear Little P,

Today is a very special day, when your life was dedicated to God in the presence of our church family. I can’t tell you how excited I am to not only celebrate this day, but also as I look ahead to all that God might do through you in the days to come. I can see that God has already answered our prayers over your life, making you a blessing and delight to others, and such sweet, content and joyful little guy.

I have waited for a long time to be a mother, and you are the gift that I have been waiting for. Your sweet blue eyes, precious smile, and endearing cuddles are such a treasure to me. I am aware of how much I have to learn to be the mom you need, but today I was overwhelmed by God’s grace for us. Pastor Vic spoke in the sermon today about Simon Peter in the Bible, and his commitment to Christ, and I couldn’t help but think about you, and how I pray that you will follow God with your whole heart. I reflect on John 6: 60-71, the passage from this morning – 

The Words of Eternal Life

When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”

After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” Jesus answered them, “Did I not choose you, the Twelve? And yet one of you is a devil.” He spoke of Judas the son of Simon Iscariot, for he, one of the Twelve, was going to betray him.

This morning, as we rushed around to get to church on time, I was a bit careless with my words and anxious that the event at church would go well. Praise God that His Words always bring life, even when ours do not. This has been a hard season of life, but you have been a bright light in the midst of all we have faced. I say this to tell you that there will be trying seasons, and just as the ways of Jesus did not always make sense to the disciples, they will not always be clear to you. In these moments, a choice to trust in the heart of God will lessen the heat of life’s trials. You may want to walk away from God, your family, or the ways of godly living that we will strive to teach you. Your Dad and I have both struggled at times to trust God, and in truth, all believers do at one time or another. Do not be surprised by the sin in your heart, a faltering faith, or the confusion you may face during difficult circumstances. God is not surprised, nor will He distance Himself from you if you struggle to believe.

In this chapter, John 6 – the disciples had just witnessed a miraculous event – the feeding of the 5,000. And yet, soon after, they were in a storm, and forgot what Jesus had done to provide for them. We humans are a fickle, forgetful bunch, which is why God reminds the Israelites time and time again throughout the Old Testament to remember His goodness and all that He had done for them. That “remembering” is what will stir your heart and renew your confidence in His goodness, even when life does not look how you might hope it would and God does not seem to be answering your prayers. He IS faithful, even when His answer is No, Not Yet, or Not Now. I often wondered if I would have the joy of being a mother, and though you are here now, the journey to this day has not been easy.

My prayer is that just like Simon Peter, your heart would be drawn back to Christ, no matter the circumstances, no matter the broken roads you may travel. We are all prone to wander, but I have found that the trials have, in God’s grace, peeled away my affinity for comfort, and helped me to find comfort in Christ. Many times, I have sat with the Lord, and sensed Him asking me what I was longing for…and why, in the midst of the trial, I was willing to come back to Him. In truth, there have been many hard days when that was not my desire, as being a Christ follower is difficult and the narrow road painful at times. But the mercy of God has ruined me for anything but fellowship with Him, and I pray that will be the case in your life. I do not desire that you experience hardship, and yet, I know that sometimes that is the only way. Perhaps you will be a fast learner – I truly hope so! But I pray that ‘the Hound of Heaven’ would pursue your heart in the midst of it all, and just like Simon Peter, you would have no where to go but the Holy One of God, to be filled with eternal words of life.

I pray as well, that just like King David, you would be a man after God’s own heart. Do not be surprised at your weaknesses as I was when my storms first started rolling in. I pray that you would allow your weaknesses, your sin, and your storms to not leave you in despair, but move you from self-focus to a focus on the glory of God in the midst of it all. Though your Dad and I want the world for you, and will train you in the ways of righteousness and wisdom, we will not be surprised if you fall. Our hope is in the Great God and King, Jesus Christ – not in our own power, or in your performance. Just the same, I pray that your successes would not draw you away from God or cause you to become prideful in your own abilities, but rather amazed at God’s grace working within you. You are a precious child of God, known since the beginning of time, and He alone empowers you to live a life pleasing in His eyes. When you succeed – point to Him. And if you fall – point to Him. We’ll be with you in it all – the good, the bad, and the in between.

We pray that just as our Father God accepts us no matter our choices, you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you are always accepted in our home. Both Simon Peter and King David made poor choices along the way, and yet, their lives are remembered as men who sincerely followed after the heart of God, willing to sacrifice for the glory of His name and the furtherance of His kingdom. May their lives inspire holiness in you, and assure you of grace as well. May the Words of Christ and the peace and power of the Gospel permeate your life, flow from your thoughts, words and deeds, and inspire those around you. Jesus, the Bread of Life, is the only One who can fill your soul, and I pray that your heart will be restless when you are apart from Him, but deeply satisfied when you are sitting and feasting in His presence.

The storms come in all of our lives, and the doubts may roll in with them as well – but I pray that God uses those storms to change your desire for earthly bread, to a hunger for the True Bread of Life.

With grateful hearts and abundant love for you, dear son,
Your Mama & Daddy

In the last few weeks, I have heard the sadness of friends, family, and acquaintances that are facing very dark times. These dark seasons look differently for each of them – some are financial, others are emotional, marriage-related, health, career, or just a loss of hope in general. Though a new and beautiful season of motherhood is just around the corner for me, I am certainly not a stranger to seasons of despair and hopelessness. I know I have a steep learning curve coming as a new mom, so it’s a great time for me to be reminded of God’s faithfulness through the hard times. I’m working through a study of the book of Ephesians, looking towards springtime, and best of all – Resurrection Day! For all those reasons, I’m excited to explore themes of light and darkness, my own personal experience with each, and offer encouragement on finding grace in our relationship with God, His people, and ourselves, during these seasons. Here is what I’m hoping to write on in the upcoming weeks:

• What the Darkness Taught Me

• Loving Others Well through the Darkness

• Being Kind to Yourself in the Darkness

• The glory of God in Darkness

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for us as we explore these topics! May His name be praised as we faithfully walk through the hard times, finding joy and ultimately living into the Light of His glory.

Dear friends,

As summer welcomed fall, and now winter temps dance with fall beauty, we are invited to embrace the changes in every area of our lives. Rather than protect, hide or defend, may we nurture our souls with Truth, warm them with fellowship, and draw near in our winter seasons to the One who alone can renew life. For it is only through death that life can come. May we walk bravely through our valleys, knowing that Jesus promises to walk closely with us, carry us, and remove all fear of danger. Though He does not promise to remove our troubles, we will see His radiant light shining through the brilliance of fall, and the serene silence of winter. He is with us, whispering comfort and Truth, if we will lean in long enough to listen, looking always for the beauty in every day, hardship, and season.

Body //

~ Here are some new recipes that I’ve enjoyed lately : Home Baked Grain-Free Organic Coconut Flour Bread and Sauteed Kale for Kale-Haters. Both are easy and good – bonus!

~ Farmer’s Markets – I’ve been trying to do a better job of looking for farmer’s markets and local food, and am having a great time doing it! There is something amazing about getting to talk to the people who are growing, raising, and making your food, and certainly supporting your local economy is a great benefit to you and your family. Having grown up on a farm, I have first-hand knowledge and a huge respect for the amount of work that goes into growing, raising and preserving home-grown food. It is a labor of love that is totally worth supporting. The Local Harvest website can help you locate CSAs, farmer’s markets and more in your area. Some other benefits I have noticed from shopping locally is the added inspiration when meal prep can feel mundane, as well as finding ways to connect with like-minded foodies.

~ Post on Mindful Eating – it doesn’t have to be stressful to eat well, friends. 🙂 In fact, there are ways to really enjoy life, eat well, and feel good about your choices (without having to give up on dessert – wink)

Mind //

~ Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All (affiliate link) – I’ve shared this book link elsewhere, but I’m really being challenged to follow through on finishing it myself. Choosing to use your words wisely is a ministry to your home, relationships and life legacy that you will never regret.

~ Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (affiliate link) – Love, love, love anything by Paul Tripp and this one I’ve been needing to read for a while. So challenged and encouraged by his Gospel reminders of God’s sovereignty, grace, and glory. We can only change and help others change when we focus our hearts and minds squarely on the hope found in Christ.

Soul //

~ Suffering and Sovereignty – Kara Tippetts has passed into glory, but this post is a great reminder to suffer well, without faking happiness.

~ Soak in the beauty of Lauren Bath’s amazing photography on Instagram!

~ Beautiful baby photos shortly after birth

~ Hebrews 13:5 – this verse has been my meditation for the past several days after hearing this podcast and the whispers of His love throughout my days. We must embrace His presence to be able to share that with others…

Blessings on your week!

I’m about to wow you with my culinary genius, friends! (Not really). But you will hopefully enjoy this recipe, and you can thank none other than my dear husband, who rarely asks for a particular meal, but was recently hungry for some good ol’ fashioned grilled cheese and tomato soup. Who am I to protest?

My philosophy for cooking is that it should:

1) taste good

2) be real, nourishing food

3) be easy – moderately difficult to prepare and understand, and requires only ingredients I usually buy/ have on hand/ will use for other recipes…this recipe fit the bill!

Here’s my Homemade Tomato Soup recipe, adapted from this one.

2 (14-ounce) cans stewed tomatoes (original recipe calls for chopped canned tomatoes but I never buy them… they might caramelize better because they are smaller but diced seemed too small? Your choice :))
3/4 cup coconut oil (better for high heat)
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 stalk celery, diced  we do not force this issue in my home but feel free to include it 🙂
1 medium carrot, diced
1 yellow onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced (but hey, more garlic is always allowed!)
2 cups chicken broth
1 bay leaf
4 tablespoons butter (same applies for butter as w/garlic :))
2-3 tsp. Litehouse Instant Fresh Basil – use whatever you have, but this seems to be fresher than dried and doesn’t spoil as quickly as fresh! A major win in my book.
1/4 – 1/2 cup cream / optional (I used whole organic milk)

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Strain the tomatoes, reserve juices, and spread onto a baking sheet, season with salt and pepper, to taste, drizzle with coconut oil (slightly more than 1/4 cup should be enough) and roast until caramelized, about 15 minutes (I used a bit too much oil, which meant they didn’t caramelize quite as much)

Meanwhile, in a saucepan, heat remaining coconut oil over medium-low heat. Add the celery, carrot, onion and garlic, cook until softened, about 10 minutes. Add the roasted tomatoes, reserved tomato juices, chicken broth, bay leaf and butter. Simmer until vegetables are very tender, about 15 to 20 minutes. Add basil and cream/milk, if using. Puree with a hand held immersion blender until smooth (I used my Blendtec, which worked quite well, however I did learn the hard way with previous soups that you must slightly vent the lid if using a blender or your kitchen walls will get more of the soup than your tummies! 😦 Don’t overfill the blender either. Or just spend a few bucks and get that handy little immersion blender!)

We also had sourdough grilled cheese sandwiches with this lovely and quite easy soup. Here is the grill pan I use…and love (with plenty of butter, of course!) Take a look at the image at this site – they are happy because they eat butter. A relatively good life philosophy, no?

One of these days, I will get to making my mom’s world-famous sourdough bread, but until I have time make time to add another fermented food to my regular prep (more on that later), the Aldi brand has been working just fine (That is, until my husband tastes my mom’s! Moral dilemma here, people.) Aldi also recently started selling organic wheat bread – not as good as homemade of course, but worth giving it a try!

Bon Appétit!